Highly Sensitive Subject
It was a well-intentioned gift, but when I gingerly opened the wrapping paper to see a book titled, “Women Who Think Too Much” staring back at me, I felt my insides twist at the not-so-subtle judgement of the way I move through the world. At the time, I didn’t have the words to articulate a response to my gift-giver that would attend to the flurry of deep feelings and nuances implied. Instead, I felt shame, then had a hard ugly cry. At the moment, it was hard to see that we had both been seeped in the patriarchal messages that privilege some qualities and behaviours while degrading others. Sensitivity resides in this latter category.
While so much of language has to do with interpretation, we can look at how words are most often used to get a sense of where there is stigma attached. Sensitivity could be a neutral word, a positive descriptor even, however, more often than not, it’s used as a criticism. Try this experiment. Just read this phrase, “She’s so sensitive”, with different inflections, and notice how it shifts the meaning. How about if you change the pronoun to “He’s so sensitive”? Does the meaning change if the person is young or old? How long does it take to find the version that sounds appreciative? Or how often do you hear it compared to its opposite, “They are so insensitive"? All these noticings tell us how this word is generally used in our daily interactions, and more often than not sensitivity is viewed as a temporary state to extinguish in favour of “developing thick skin” or “growing a pair”.
And yet, decades of research by Dr. Elaine Aron shows that high sensitivity is a trait that shows up, from birth, in about 15-20% of the population. The key word here is trait. As in, you are born with it, just as you might be with things like brown eyes or fair skin. One distinction with this trait though, is that it’s invisible. So how does it show up? It’s helpful to think of it as an innate survival strategy that impacts all areas of life and allows one to thoroughly process information before responding. It is not the same as shyness or introversion, though they can overlap, and it’s fairly evenly distributed across genders.
More specifically, people that are highly sensitive tend to:
reflect often (depth of processing),
feel all emotions more deeply (emotional intensity),
are quickly over-stimulated (overarousal),
and experience greater sensory sensitivity throughout their life (via your senses)
Highly sensitive people (or HSPs for short) tend to thrive when raised within attuned supportive environments and have more difficulties when they are amidst a poorly fitting environment. Those difficulties can show up as low self-esteem, challenges in the workplace, as well as troubles with boundaries and conflict in relationships to name a few. Juxtapose this trait against our patriarchal society that prioritizes logic while stifling emotionality, compartmentalizes the mind above the body, prefers productivity over connection, and pathologizes much of what is not yet known or cannot be measured, and is it any wonder that highly sensitive people often feel like we don’t belong or can’t “measure up” to our peers?
But let’s not stop here. HSP strengths can include qualities like loyalty, conscientiousness, creative thinking, and attention to detail. We are highly attuned to the environments around us, the so-called “canary-in-the-coal-mine”, with a depth of awareness of the undercurrents that others miss. We are the empaths, able to notice and name our feelings, moved by beauty and pain both, holding onto our humanity in an increasingly disconnected world. We are the big-picture thinkers, looking at intersections, implications, and ethical nuances when considering decisions. We are the slow and steady observers, feeling our way forward, mindful of the rich landscapes in and around us. These are gifts that our world needs more of, so we need to move away from the idea that we somehow need to erase or overcome our sensitivity, and instead learn how to make peace with our inheritance.
Here is where the good news comes in! There are well-researched ways that we can take good care of ourselves while interfacing with insensitive environments and you’ve probably already found some of these intuitively. Among others, these include time outdoors to self-soothe and decompress, managing levels of stimulation, finding creative outlets (*cough* art therapy perhaps?), learning to set boundaries, noticing our internal rhythms or pace, cultivating nourishing friendships, and planning for rest. Did your nervous system breathe a sigh of relief as you read through that list? Go on then, you’re worth it.
If you are curious to learn more about whether you might be highly sensitive, you can take a little self-assessment, check out some videos and podcasts, or read more about it in some of the excellent books that are available. If you’d like to talk with a therapist that has a lived understanding of what it means to be an HSP or to explore your own patterns in more depth, please connect for a complimentary 20 Minute Meet & Greet appointment.
